How to love your neighbor when you hate them.
Image taken by me in San Francisco, California March of 2025
Dearest readers,
The main reason I created this blog was to explore the vulnerable parts of our society that are still in need of healing. To do that, we must be willing to have uncomfortable conversations—ones that many people tend to avoid. But when we avoid them, we prevent ourselves from truly healing and growing.
Loving your neighbor was something we were all taught as kids to teach us how to get along. However, no one taught us how to do so when hate is involved. In fact, we were always taught that hate is a bad word and we should not use it when we do not mean it. But hate is something we all feel because we are human. “How to love your neighbor when you hate them” has been a question running through my mind lately. I see too many people operating from a place of hate, even though I believe we all come from a place of love.
Heal Your Hate
You might think the obvious solution is to stop your enemies’ hate. But the truth is, you need to heal your own. Their hate is not yours to fix. The only person you can control is yourself.
It’s easier said than done, of course. Sometimes our minds convince us that it’s easier to hate someone because they “deserve it.” But the only person who truly suffers from your hate is you. Heal your hate so that you no longer have to suffer.
Hate isn’t a feeling; it’s a construct of the mind — something we create for ourselves. It’s a disease that spreads to others. Hate can manifest in harmful words, and sometimes even in violence.
I’m not saying you have to love your neighbor, but I do believe that if we truly want peace as a collective, we must practice compassion and deep understanding toward one another. This blog aims to teach people how to practice love toward their neighbors.
1. Acknowledge Your Anger
Recognize that you’re feeling anger, and notice where you feel it. The first step to healing any suffering is to acknowledge that it exists. You cannot heal something you refuse to see.
Sometimes anger manifests physically in certain parts of our body, often connected to why we’re angry. For example, if you feel a weight on your shoulders, you might be carrying problems that are beyond your control.
2. Feel Your Anger — Don’t Label It as “Bad”
It is not bad to feel anger. Anger is simply an indication that you have a functioning heart. There’s no such thing as a good or bad feeling; emotions are just information trying to tell us something.
3. Decide How You Want to Face It
Choose how you want to process your anger. I like to sit with mine and talk myself through my thoughts and emotions, while others may prefer to write them down. Consulting a trusted friend and venting can also help.
4. Be an Observer
Remove your identity from the equation and examine the situation objectively. Ask yourself: Is the cause of this issue truly personal?
Most of the time, when someone treats us terribly, it has little to do with us and everything to do with them. I’ve said this in previous blogs, but it’s worth repeating:
People don’t hurt others because they believe those people deserve to suffer.
They hurt others in the same ways they believe they deserve to suffer.
Suffering never begins with the person who loves; it always begins with the person who hurts. They learned that hurt from someone else in pain — and that person learned it from another. Every cause has an effect, and every effect has a cause.
If we didn’t cause that person’s suffering, why should we carry the burden of being affected by it?
5. Build Your Compassion
Forgiveness doesn’t have to start with forgiving those who’ve wronged you, especially if you’re not ready. Instead, begin by trying to understand where they’re coming from.
If it’s clear that someone isn’t acting from a place of love, then they must be suffering from something they aren’t expressing. Try to put yourself in your neighbor’s shoes. Sit with that understanding. See what emotions come up for you — and build compassion from there.
6. Forgive
Now that you have developed compassion for your neighbor and processed your feelings and the reasons behind your hate, lean into forgiveness. The truth is, we are all imperfect and sometimes get lost. We must acknowledge this and let go of hate, practicing radical compassion instead. You don’t need to love the person, just love yourself enough to let go of the hate.
Letting go of hate allows you to return to yourself. It doesn’t mean you have to reconcile or forget; it means you choose peace over poison.
In a world that often teaches us to harden, forgiveness feels wrong. It’s how we begin to heal, not just individually, but collectively, that will have a lasting effect on society. Because when one person chooses love over hate, that energy ripples outward—and slowly compassion will build.
Love,
Ajie
