Having a boyfriend isn’t embarrassing, but being male centered is.
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Dearest readers,
Just like every other woman on social media right now, my feed has been flooded with videos discussing the Vogue article, “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” I actually enjoyed how this topic became a mainstream discussion that not only women, but also men started to participate in. Like many critics online, I agreed with those who said the article could have gone deeper—particularly into what it really means to have a boyfriend in today’s world, and how that ties into patriarchy and heterofatalism.
So here are some personal insights that I feel could benefit the conversation.
Most women aren’t looking for a boyfriend—they’re looking for a partner who will help them win. Historically, women have sacrificed so much to support men’s success. What’s wrong with wanting an era where men start to recognize how smart, capable, and talented women are—and support us to succeed, too? Women have given their bodies to bless men with children. They’ve set aside their own needs and dreams so that men could chase theirs. We’ve all heard the phrase, “Behind every great man,” countless times, but we rarely hear, “Behind every woman.”
This isn’t about throwing past sacrifices in men’s faces or saying, now you owe us. It’s about sitting at the table and telling men what we need in order to feel secure and supported in our relationships with them.
Women have hopes and dreams too. We want to be successful, to make a living, to have our own money and our own things. Historically, we’ve had to sacrifice those desires so that our husbands could have them instead. We’re simply saying: we don’t want to do that anymore. We want to be supported.
More and more women are realizing that we can achieve anything we want without the help of a man—and that realization has, in some ways, devalued partnership. We’re living in a hyper-individualistic era, one where women have been let down by men so many times that some of us have started to see relationships as a liability. It’s painful to admit, but it’s the honest truth about how many women feel. And if we don’t communicate that openly, men will never understand the severity of it.
Having a boyfriend isn’t embarrassing—but being male-centered is. I don’t think Chante Joseph, the author of the Vogue article, was trying to put down women who have boyfriends. In fact, I think she was doing the opposite. Male-centered women play a big role in why others feel that having a boyfriend is embarrassing. It’s not only women’s relationships with men that suffer because of this mindset—our relationships with other women do too.
Many women have spoken out about how disappointing it feels when their friends become male-centered, even ending friendships over it. There’s nothing more disheartening than seeing a woman put down another woman to gain a man’s approval. And there’s nothing more disappointing than watching a friend give up time with her girls because she’s always with her boyfriend.
We live in an era where many women have realized that their worth, beauty, and talent are not defined by a man’s gaze. That’s why we see trends like “Dressing for the female gaze.” It’s because many women no longer feel that men are worth impressing. So when we see other women dress, speak, or act in ways that cater to men’s attention, it feels embarrassing—because it perpetuates the very patriarchy we’re trying to dismantle.
On the other side of the conversation—and this one’s a little more controversial—it’s become trendy to be a man-hater. No woman wants to log onto social media and post a video saying kind things about men. Most women would be immediately called a “pick-me” or even canceled for it. I think that’s because heterofatalism feels so deeply ingrained right now, and it’s easy for women to project that frustration onto men as a whole.
It’s not that all men are constantly disappointing women, but it’s true that all women feel like men always will. And when it comes to social media, the algorithm prioritizes content that’s relatable. If every woman can relate to the experience of being disappointed by a man, then of course, hating men becomes a trend.
At the end of the day, I don’t think this conversation is about hating men or glorifying being hyper-independent. Most women just want partnership—mutual support, emotional safety, and balance. We want to be loved without being diminished, and to give love without losing ourselves. The real conversation isn’t about whether having a boyfriend is embarrassing; it’s about how men and women can start showing up for each other in ways that actually feel fair and safe. Love shouldn’t feel like a power struggle—it should feel like a partnership.
with love always,
ajie
