One day, I will fade.
Self Portrait. San Francisco California
Dearest reader,
I was out with some of my friends recently, and I noticed that I became closed off when anxiety came over me about the way I looked that day. I became self-conscious, and it pulled me away from enjoying the moment and being present with them.
When I got home, I looked at myself in the mirror, examining my features and comparing them to old pictures of me. In those photographs, I saw the little girl who felt like the most beautiful girl in the world.
My 8th Birthday Party
I thought, if I could go back to her — if I could embody her confidence and fearlessness — my relationship with myself and my body would be so much better. I wish I could return to a time before I was taught how to hate my body.
But that’s the thing: I can’t go back. All I have is now. And that realization made me see how precious every moment with myself really is. Just like I miss that little girl in those photographs, in ten years I’ll miss the woman I am now. I’ll miss my hair, my clothes, the youthfulness in my spirit — I’ll miss it all. As humans, we are constantly changing and evolving. The person I was a year ago does not even sound like the woman I am now. The way I did my makeup and my daily routine has changed. I’ve aged, and that is a beautiful thing.
It would be a shame if one day I were to look back at the version of myself now and wish I could get this time back, only to realize that I did not appreciate myself when I had the chance.
Self Portrait. San Francisco, CA
One day I will fade, and there’s nothing I can do about that. All I can do is be with myself.
If I spend too much time fixated on how I look, I’ll miss the chance to be beautiful — because I’ll be too busy thinking about it. The most beautiful versions of ourselves appear when we’re present with ourselves. But we can’t be present when we’re worried about who we are. That worry holds us back from being authentic.
Here’s the truth I’ve found: you don’t need to become anything when you just are.
I am already beautiful. I don’t need to try to be beautiful when I already am. Worrying about it only distances me from myself. The most beautiful gift we can offer ourselves is our presence.
Love always,
Ajie
